December 3, 2007
Wakey wakey eggs and bakey
I spent the weekend sober, as in without any wine, as in up before noon. Like me holding a baby brought to the office, this seldom happens, or maybe it’s more accurately an occurrence leaning toward never. It wasn’t entirely intentional; I had geared up for what promised to be a rowdy Saturday night – one that went horribly awry given my penchant for falling asleep on the couch to episodes of the Ghost Whisperer – by abstaining on Friday. Which turned into Saturday. Which became Sunday, a day on which it just didn’t seem right to drink alone in the tub. At least not this particular Sunday.

And so it was that when awakened at the unholy hour of 7:40 am by a paw swipe to the cheek, I didn’t bark at Bug, didn’t send Cricket to fetch a cool washcloth to cover mommy’s eyes, and most certainly didn’t wonder just whose comforter I was nestled under. Instead I rose to greet the day like I imagine normal people do, those people who read the Sunday Post rather than using it for puppy potty training, those folks for whom “brunch” is a meal eaten in the morning hours. Or early afternoon. Or at least while the sun is still up.

And you know what? This land of the living wasn’t half bad.

Before lunchtime, I fed the cats, bathed and clothed myself (this is an undertaking not to be scoffed at), balanced my checkbook, worked out my December budget, cleaned the litter boxes, did two loads of laundry, watched and bawled at Georgia Rule (I said I was sober; I did not claim emotional stability), went to the mall to purchase no fewer than three Christmas gifts and my holiday cards (time to be very, very nice to the Kris), picked up my beloved Taco Bell for lunch, looked at my nails and opted not to paint them, and smiled genuinely at NOT ONE, BUT TWO of God’s screaming children in the Santa lap line. I didn’t finish my November 2007 memory quilt until well into the early afternoon, but I was, understandably, tired.

There are people out there, I should inform you, who are champions of the sport. Upon my 10:08 am Macy's arrival I was shocked to find that there were several other cars in the parking lot, and interestingly enough, people were not passed out in them from the night before. I witnessed one strange creature, already having done 8 minutes worth and three bags full of intense shopping, come out to her car to unload her mall booty before heading back in for the next round. Seriously? People actually show up before the joint opens, wearing something other than yoga pants and yesterday’s hair, and get their day on mere hours after the rest of us have eaten our weight in pizza and passed out wearing some form of lycra? The early, sober rise, I thought. This must be how the real woman does it all.

I’m guessing she doesn’t drive away from the mall with a Big Gulp on the roof of her car, but one cannot have everything.


34 Comments:

Blogger Jorge said...

Did you pop a Viagra last night?

Good mornin', good mornin'!
We've danced the whole night through,
good mornin', good mornin' to you.


:)

Blogger Jorge said...

Also: Putting a Big Gulp on the roof of your car has the same effect as police strobes.

People clear the way for you.

Not because you are on your way to an emergency. But because you are the emergency. :)

Blogger BOSSY said...

Bossy won't but say she did. OK with you?

Blogger WildbillthePirate said...

Wow! Trapped in an Alcohol-free life of Personal Responsibility! How can you Stand it? I've heard of it being done, but I didn't actually know anybody who had done it. Didn't he direct Sun make you Wilt? I don't know if I could be as Brave as you.

Blogger Paperback Writer said...

The ones who get up before 10 am scare me.

Blogger brookem said...

Sometimes I like those weekends so much, that I tell myself I should have them more often. They're good when you're in them, or when you look back on them, right? Glad to hear you enjoyed yourself!

What's a November memory quilt you speak of?

Blogger Ryane said...

Kris...you are hilarious. =-)

Blogger Alexandra said...

That was funny!

I'm particularly impressed by the trip to the mall. I avoid it like a plague colony this time of year...and I would definitely not go there sober.

Blogger PinkPiddyPaws said...

I can't believe you went to the mall. The horror of all horrors of Christmas bad behavior. And yeah.. the people who are waiting for that ladies parking spot get really tweaked when she ignores their pointed stares and heads back into the mall for round 2 or 3 or whatever! ;)

Blogger Tracy Kaply said...

I love you so much for writing this. I cannot even tell you.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

I like drunk/hungover Kris better. She soothes my ego.

Next time spike the Big Gulp - guarantee you won't leave it behind then!

PS: I just booked the hotel in SanFran for BlogHer so you BETTER be going.

Blogger Ripe for Reading said...

It seems that everyone had a productive weekend except for me.

Yay for you!

Blogger whoorl said...

That strange creature at the mall could have been me. I'm not proud of this.

Blogger Gwen said...

What I wouldn't give for at least one weekend without those annoying Santa-line brats (heh) waking me up at dawn, so I could have the reverse of your weekend! Let's switch lives .....

Blogger Nina said...

a) why oh why did you leave comments off for your last post? My friends and I cried. Fucking A, did you ever nail that.

b) I am having exactly this kind of day today, mostly because I got hijacked into church and "coffee" last night and came home too tired to muster the will to have a drink. I feel so decent it's almost indecent. I might try it again tomorrow.

Blogger Sizzle said...

i'm not so sure i'd call 'em "normal" but there sure are a lot of them!

i hardly recognize you! what have you done with kris?? ;) jk.

Blogger Maria C. said...

I don't know what to say. You kind of described my average Sunday, so I think I'm feeling like I should be wearing a bag over my head.

Blogger Kim said...

It's like I don't even know you anymore. If you make these sober weekends the norm, we can't be friends. I have standards you know.

Blogger Chris said...

I am the one wondering why the damn mall doesn't open until 10am. I'm beat by then;-)

Blogger ThursdayNext said...

I am reading this as I am drinking my second glass of a Tait Ball Buster and am mighy impressed. ;) Have you had it? This weekend you must...
http://www.taitwines.com.au/7.html

Blogger Chantel said...

I hate weekends like this -- :) Actually I feel way more productive when I've done the dishes and cleaned the litter box with a mini-hangover.

Blogger HKW said...

I was feeling productive having picked out a holiday card to send. But no more. Am now feeling inspired me to get my ass on the shopping mall trail and buy some presents.

Love this post!

Blogger Cheryl said...

I drove away with a cup of OJ on my car once. It was pretty funny.

I usually say, there is no wrong time for wine in the tub.

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

How about if you drive away with a diaper bag on the roof of the car? That's what happens to me when I'm forced to get up too damn early.

Morning sucks.

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

Kris, popping a fistful of Vicodin every few hours does not count as sober or, how you say, being "in the land of the living."

I'm just saying.

Blogger WildbillthePirate said...
Blogger kris said...

There's that buzzkill Stacy again . . . I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU, ALRIGHT?!?

Blogger Heather said...

LOL!

I say why join the "land of the living" until you absolutely HAVE to... Like you've found someone new and want to impress them... Or, your wealthy relatives are in town and you want them to include you in the will... Or, your parole officer thinks it's a good idea.

If I didn't HAVE to, I certainly wouldn't, sleeping until noon is much mo' bettah...

Blogger Frankly, Scarlett said...

as usual - sober or hungover...i am in awe :)

way to go ms. productivity!

Blogger Gunfighter said...

Don't feel too bad, Kris.

I got drunk LAST night... Monday, for God's sake!

0415 wasn't at all funny this morning.

Blogger Jennie Thomason said...

Great post.

Blogger Marissa said...

I love this post! I was recently visiting my parents in Arizona (Thanksgiving) and my mom dragged me to the mall AS it opened. She is one of those people you speak of. I could not believe it...we barely got a spot in the parking lot! And like you said, people shop in rounds! Me? I go last minute--run into whatever store I need, purchase the goodies, and go home!

Blogger t2ed said...

I always thought it was "Wakey Wakey, Hands of Snakey."

They just naturally find their way there.

Blogger Christine said...

I visited this strange world last Saturday as well. Even without the hangover, I still didn't manage to bathe until 4 p.m.

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